Several years ago when she was diagnosed
clinically depressed, she went to therapy to treat her depression. Mom refused
to talk about her past. Her psychiatrist
said we may not want to go there with her; having her relive her childhood
memories may worsen her condition. To
this day, mom hates when people ask her questions about anything. She thinks people who ask those questions are
being too noisy.
Mom was very close with her mother, but she did
not feel loved by her father. Mom told me her father hated her and always
ignored her.
Mom resented the fact that I looked so much like
my father and people were constantly pointing that out to her. She did not nor
could not understand the wonderful relationship I had with my father.
She thought each of her children had to pick sides
either dads or hers. Even in her earlier
years, there was no reasoning with mom . . . everything was either ‘black or
white’.
She always thought a child could only love one
parent so she felt threatened that I loved dad so much. She thought there was not enough love for
her, too. She was wrong. I never stopped loving mom.
She treated me badly because of her perception.
She downed me and never thought I was good enough. I’ve heard the saying that there is a fine
line between love and hate. I always
felt that I hated mom for the way she treated me, but I always sought after her
love. I wanted her to encourage and
support me; to believe in me and to accept me for who I was. She did not know how because she never
received that kind of support from either of her parents.
After turning thirty and receiving a huge
promotion to a Vice President status, my husband bought me a fur coat. Mom was neither impressed nor proud of
me. She seemed to be jealous or angry at
my success.
I convinced my husband that for mom’s birthday
that we should buy her a fur coat, too.
This action still did not buy me her love. She seemed to feel I owed her the fur coat
because I was not the daughter she wanted.
The daughter she wanted would love her not my father. Since a child
could not love both of her parents; I had been a huge disappointment to her.
Buying her a fur or several other beautiful things
gave me no satisfaction. The more we did for her the more she felt I was paying
her back for not loving her more than I loved my father. My heart ached that
nothing I could do could please her. As
my actions were an attempt to win her approval and her affection, what I
received was anything but her love.
As I grew older, I needed my mom’s love more than
ever. But instead of receiving that
love, I felt more and more insecure. I
learned life lessons by making mistakes.
I tried to
make her proud of me by everything I was accomplishing in life . . . a great
job, winning awards, sales contests, a loving husband, a beautiful home and
wonderful friends. None of these things
seem to make her proud of me or what I had done with my life.
I share this part of my life because my relationship
with mom now has changed dramatically. Does mom doubt my love today? Not for a moment, she knows I love her with
every bone in my body. She does not
understand how I could, but she knows that I do.
She remembers how badly she treated me and has
apologized. She knows I would do
anything for her and she is right. Although I never felt any love from her till
these last few years, I really feel her love these last few months. She has realized now that I always loved
her.
I love my mom more now than I ever loved her
before. I kept clinging to hope of
having a mother who would love me in return.
Although both mom and I would have never wished for this stage of life
for her; maybe this was the only way for both mom and me to have a good mother
and daughter relationship. I believe mom
always wanted to feel my love for her and now she does. She does not wonder today if I love my
father. She just knows I love her and
she loves me back.
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