A Room Without a Phone

Odd as it may seem mom does not have a phone in her room. The reason is simple: mom does not want to talk on the phone. She does not even want to talk to her children by phone.

She would be terribly frustrated if the phone rang so we headed off that problem by eliminating her phone. For one thing she would have to remember where the phone was set; then she would have to reach the phone before the rings stopped.  Mom is not steady on her feet and her reaction time is slow.  Picking up the phone would be a daunting task.  Although a simple task for many, at mom’s stage her answering the phone would be an overwhelming task. 

Furthermore in mom’s present state, she is never in her room outside of when she goes to sleep for the night or when she goes in her room to use her washroom.   

Many times when I want to see how mom’s progressing, I will call either her nurse or her hospice nurse.  Either one is happy to inform me on mom’s well-being.  In addition, they will give mom any message I would like to relay to her.

If they ask her if she would like to talk to me with their phone, her answer is always ‘No’.  She would rather not talk to me or anyone else by phone.  She has said to me when I ask her about taking calls that she feels uncomfortable.  “I won’t be able to talk.  I don’t like answering questions.”

My feelings are not hurt; the more I am with mom the more I understand her condition and her request.  Even in person, I sometimes have to guess what she is trying to tell me and reassure her when neither of us can figure it out that it’s OK. 

Fortunately, my listening skills are improving.  Mom has been much clearer lately with many full sentences.  I work hard at giving mom my full attention when I am with her which helps me fill in the missing pieces when she cannot.  My job is to be a wordsmith when I am with mom and sometimes I am better than other times.

When I go out of town, I always see her right before I go and when I return.  In the meantime, I send mom positive, healthy thoughts and I leave her in “God’s hands.”

What's in a Name?

Last Monday during my visit with mom, she said, “Do you think Jamie should change his name?”

“Mom, what brought this up?”

“I don’t think he likes his name. He thinks he’ll hurt my feelings.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Years ago, Julienne, not now!”

“And you are remembering now?”

“What can I tell you?”

“Mom, what do you want him to change his name to?”

“Some lady said he could change it to James.”

“Who said that?”

“Some lady!”

“Many people we know have nicknames.”

“What’s nicknames?

“Names other people give someone.  Jerome is a good example.  He has many nicknames.”

“Like what?”

“Jerome has been called Jerry, Jay, Guido, and J-Rome by the cousins.”

“Guido?”

“Mom, that’s Jerome’s middle name.  Remember he was named after dad?”

“Julienne, I don’t remember.”

“Do you like your name?”

“I love my name, but I still have people who give me nicknames.  Some people call me Jules, Juge, Aunt JuJu, AJ, and Vivian still calls me Juliner.”

“I don’t remember that either.”

“That’s OK.  It’s not important.”

“Tell Jamie about you and Jerome.”

“He knows, mom.”

“Tell him I’m OK if he wants to change his name.”

“Mom, why don’t you tell him the next time you see him?”

“I’ll forget.”

“I’ll tell him, but I think he is going to think this conversation is funny.”

“Just tell him!”

Mom herself has had many names. She used to be called Jilda, Jill, and now she wants to be called Gilda which is her original name.

Mom has a lot of time to think right now; I am amazed at her thought process.  She is giving her blessing for Jamie to change his name. 

Does everybody need a nickname? I think not.  I have always loved his name, but then again “Everybody loves Jamie.”   Maybe he loves his name, too.  Either way, I found our conversation so interesting that mom brought up this subject out of the clear blue.  What other thoughts is mom pondering about?

A Second Opinion

Last week my mom’s right eyelid was red.  There seemed to be a tiny cyst on her eyelid.  I spoke with her nurse who said she was aware of the cyst, but not doing anything at this time.  She thought the redness and the cyst might go away.  The nurse suggested that mom not rub her eyelid because rubbing her eyelid would make it worse.

When I saw mom this pass Monday, not only was her eyelid very red, the original tiny cyst had grown at least five times bigger.  Mom said her eyelid itched, but she was trying hard not to touch it.

I spoke with her nurse and requested that the doctor take a look at mom’s eye.  I received a call on Tuesday from the hospice nurse that the doctor recommended mom should go to an eye doctor to have the cyst surgically removed.

When I contacted the eye doctor, they insisted that they could not schedule her for surgery unless the eye doctor first examined mom.  So Jamie took mom to the eye doctor the following day.   The doctor thought mom might be able to avoid surgery.  He felt that taking antibiotics for a month might eliminate her eye problem entirely.

We agreed with the eye doctor if mom’s eye can be healed without surgery that might be her best bet.  Why put mom through unnecessary surgery or pain?

Family, Pronto Pups, and Memories

Ron and I just had a wonderful weekend at Shafer Lake.  We went there to celebrate my Aunt Jay’s 90^th birthday. 

Celebrating her birthday here made perfect sense. 

'Shafer Lake' and 'family' are synonymous, so I can understand why Aunt Jay picked this place for our families to get together again.  She wanted to have everyone feel the love of family that they felt growing up and share all the good times we had here.  While being there last weekend, we remembered all our relatives who are no longer here with us, but whose memories are still held closely to our hearts.

Growing up mom and dad took our family there one week each summer.  We were always joined by several of our cousins’ families.

Shafer Lake to me meant family, barbecues, rides, pinball machines, Skee Ball, Fascination, water toboggans, Sno-cones, Pronto pups, water shows, concerts, cabins, and fun from morning to night. 

We were all pleased to be celebrating my Aunt Jay’s birthday as she has been an inspiration to our families.  At ninety years old, she cooks more than any two of us and keeps busy from morning till night doing so with a smile on her face.   

Ron and I had an extra special time because Mom and Dad Lentz joined us for the weekend.  We are so blessed for the time we spend together.  Ron and I know we are lucky that we have them. They are both full of life.

We were also grateful that Carme and John were able to schedule their trip here to include Aunt Jay’s birthday and visiting mom.  We love spending some quality time with them.

I could not wait to walk the Boardwalk with Ron.  He had never been there before, but he had heard so many stories.  I was anxious to see what stayed the same and what had changed.  My favorite food there has always been the Pronto Pups which are corn dogs.  My Pronto Pup was as delicious this weekend as I remembered.  Shafer Lake is known to have the best hot dogs in the world or so they say (I have to agree with them.)

  

As with anywhere you have been as a child, when you go back and see places or houses they appear so much smaller than you remember. In this case, the Ideal Beach was so small, I had to believe that all my relatives would have taken up over most of the beach when we used to go there.

As for Shafer Lake, although we have fabulous memories in the past and this weekend, we will not be visiting any time again soon.  Although we loved Shafer Lake as children; some of us would probably agree that we have outgrown this place. What we want to remember is our beautiful ‘childhood memories’ of growing up at Shafer lake. 

While I was enjoying the party and seeing all our relatives, sadness was present.  I could not help, but feel something was missing.  It wasn’t a something, actually it was a ‘someone’ . . . mom.   Like everyone else, mom loved Shafer Lake. 

She was invited, but there is no way she could have attended.  Nor would she have been able to enjoy her time once she got there.  Mom becomes overwhelmed on short visits with any family outside of her immediate family. She would have been paranoid and frightened.  She definitely would not have been happy.

Mom is in another world now . . . a world of dementia.  Her world is at The Community*.  No one who loves mom would even mention my aunt’s party to her because no one would want to hurt her.  Mom would be sad that she was not there and sad that we were there without her.  I know that she could never have made the trip or enjoyed any part of the day.

I believe mom was there with me and in my heart; she was wishing my aunt a long and healthy life. Deep down my mom believes in the love of family; she used to say that “Family was everything.”   

On Monday, I will visit mom; give her an extra hug and kiss; and try to make mom’s world the best it can be.

A Prayer Answered

When Ron visited mom last Friday, she gave him some good news.

“My lady friend, Darlene*, is coming back!”

“Mom, that’s great.”

“I was a little lonely.”

“She has been gone less than a week.”

Mom said, “I’ll bet when she went home her family tried to make her work.  She can’t do things around the house.  Her family probably thought she could.”

“Mom, maybe she just missed being here,” Ron said.

 “You're right.  My nurse told me that, too.”

“They have a lot of people to care for her here, mom.”

“Julienne knew,”

“What did she know?

“She told Darlene* if she wasn’t happy at home she should come back.”

“I’m glad Darlene’s* coming back, mom.”

“Me, too!”

Note:  When I prayed for God to send mom a new friend, I had no idea that Darlene* would be coming back so soon.  I am very grateful to hear that her good friend will be back shortly.

Karaoke Mom

Yesterday Ron went to visit mom. He found her in the activities room singing karaoke.  He said there were twelve ladies in the room.  Nine of the ladies were sleeping or dozing off.  Two of the ladies were singing.   Mom was listening and watching. 

Then they started to play tunes from South Pacific.  Ron said, “Mom, I’ll sing if you sing.”  They both started singing I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair.

Before Ron left, he had received my text which read:  Please give mom a big hug and kiss before you leave.  Ron showed Mom my note.  She smiled and said, “She is something else.”

“She’s your daughter.”

Then Ron took out his camera. Mom laughed, “Not you, too.  Julienne, is always taking pictures of me.”

“Mom, I’m going to send your picture to her.”

“Tell her I said Hi and that I love her.”

“I’ll text her along with your photo.”

Mom’s On To Me

Yesterday was beauty shop day.  Mom remembered and she was waiting for me when I arrived at The Community*

After she was all done with her hair, mom looked in the mirror at the beauty shop and said, “I’m getting old looking.”

Joanne*said, “Old, what you talking about Gilda.”

“Mom, you look gorgeous.”

“Huh, did you hear what my daughter said?”

“Yes, I did.”

“It’s nice to have a daughter who thinks your beautiful?”

“It sure is, Gilda.”

“Joanne*, I know what my daughter is up to!”

“What’s that, Gilda?”

“She is trying to make me feel better.”

“Oh-no, Gilda, you are on to her.”

“She thinks I don’t know what she is doing!”

“You are right, mom.  I do want you to feel good, but I do think you are beautiful.”

“Ok, Julienne, let’s go.”

Bad Dreams

“Lately, I have been having bad dreams.”

“Mom, what are your dreams about?”

 “I keep having the same dream over and over again.”

“Mom, tell me about your dream.”

“They are trying to take me to church; I don’t want to go.”

“Who are they?”

“I don’t know.”

“What happens in your dream?”

“They force me to go into church.”

“What happens then?”

“I wake up in a daze.  I don’t know where I am.”

“Julienne, it’s the same weird feeling when I woke up in the hospital and I didn’t know where I was.”

“Mom, you always liked going to church!”

“I know, but for some reason in my dream I don’t want to go.”

“When you go to sleep, try to remember that you always liked going to church. Maybe you won’t be afraid next time.  Try to think happy thoughts before you go to bed.”

“I’ll try.”

So Tired I Could Die

A weird comment I am trying not to dwell on came from my mom yesterday just before I left her.  When I walked mom into the activity room for her to join in the end of the Bingo game, the activity director said, “Gilda, I saved a place for you at the head of the table.”

Mom sat down and looked up at me saying, “I’m so tired I could die.”

“Mom, you are OK.  I know it was a lot today with so much company.  Now you can take it easy.”

“Julienne, when will I see you again?”

“Mom, it is Tuesday I’ll be back on Thursday this week to take you to the beauty shop.”

“When will I see you after that?  Don’t forget me.”

“Mom, I won’t forget you.  I will see you on Thursday; we will go out for lunch, too.”

 

Note:  Last Friday, I had mentioned to mom that John and Carme, who live in Dallas, were coming to visit mom on Tuesday.  Mom had told everyone at The Community*about Carme and John's upcoming visit .  Mom always enjoys their company; she was really looking forward to seeing them.

An hour earlier.   

When we arrived, I could see that mom was talking to two ladies who seemed to be visiting with her.  I did not know who they were till they turned around; then I realized the women were mom’s friends, Angie and Eleanor.  In the past Angie would always drive mom and Eleanor to the movies and then they would go out for dinner to McDonalds.  Mom was happy to see them.

When they saw that we were there, they said that mom just told them that Carme and John were coming today.  They nicely said their goodbyes as they realized all these people surrounding mom was too much for one day.

“I guess this is the next stage of life for me.” Mom said.

“Jill, what are you going to do?” Carme said just as a matter of fact not really as a question.

I convinced mom to go for a walk with us to the garden room on the first floor where we could all sit and be able to visit.  When we got downstairs, we went to the ice cream parlor.  John and I were the only ones who had ice cream. 

We had a very pleasant visit, but mom started to get tired.  She makes it clear that she has had enough visiting. She wanted to go back upstairs.  Talking takes a lot out of her.

We walked her back upstairs where I asked mom if she wanted to go sit in her chair or go into the activities room where they were still playing Bingo.  Mom couldn’t make up her mind.  I mentioned that she had only 15 minutes left to play Bingo. 

She said, “What should I do?”

“What do you want to do, mom?”

We went back and forth. Mom kept looking at John, Carme, and me.  She was becoming a little frustrated.

“Mom, why don’t you say goodbye to Carme and John, then I will walk you into the activities room to play Bingo.”

She hugged and kissed John and Carme, thanked them for coming, and told them that she loved them. 

This brings me to the start of this chapter’s blog, when mom said that haunting statement to me, “I am so tired I could die.”

A Big Step

Last Friday Mom and I went to McDonalds for our regular menu items:  Two Double Cheeseburgers and a small fry. 

As I pulled into our regular handicapp spot mom said, “Julienne, can I come in with you?”

“Mom, do you want to eat inside McDonalds?”

“Yes, I feel good.  I’d like to try and eat inside like we used to.”

“Terrific!    Let’s do it!”

I brought mom her walker and as we walked into McDonalds, mom had a big smile on her face.  Going into McDonalds and eating inside had to feel like ‘old times’ for mom because I felt that way.  Mom keeps saying to me that she would like to feel the way she used to.  Eating in McDonalds was a step in the right direction.

Once in McDonalds, my priority was finding a close comfortable seat near the restroom for mom.  Just as we were getting close to a booth mom said, “Julienne, I’m shaking.  I am losing control of my hands.  This is how I fell last time when I was by myself.”

“Mom, I have you.  Take your time.  You will be OK.”

Once mom sat down, she was fine again.  Then I put her brakes on her walker and pushed the walker up to her almost as a gate. I thought if she tried to stand up while I was getting her order her walker would support her and keep her from falling till I could reach her. 

I kept looking back at mom while I ordered to make sure she was OK.  Then I went to fill our water glasses with lids and straws; then I brought our glasses to the table where mom was sitting.

Mom said, “Julienne, let’s go eat in the car.”

“Mom, the girl is setting up a tray for us to eat here.”

“I don’t want to eat here!”

As mom started panicking as she tried to stand up I said, “OK, mom, sit down for just a minute.  Let me have the girl bag our food so we could eat in the car.”

When I came back to mom, I put our drinks and bag of food on mom’s walker and escorted her back to the car.

“I’m sorry, Julienne, I’m such a problem.”

“Mom, today you took a big step. Maybe next time we’ll actually get to eat in McDonalds.”

Mom smiled. I unwrapped mom’s Double Cheeseburger, set out our fries and made our make shift picnic on our laps and turned on the music.  Mom was happy.

Who Would Have Guessed

On our way out of The Community* Supportive Living last Friday, mom surprised me by what she said.

“You know, Julienne, you could get used to anything.”

“What do you mean, mom?”

“I like where I am living now better.”

“You do?”

“I am comfortable there.”

“Mom, that makes me happy.  You loved this building when you were here, too.”

“I know.  I like the other building better now.”

Just then one of the staff here walked by and as always was so glad to see mom.  Mom was glad to see them, too.

Then as we are walking out the foyer, two of her favorite staff people were talking to each other.  Happy to see mom they greeted her with:

‘Gilda, you got your hair done, looks nice, says Jillian.

“You look wonderful, my dear,” says Ilene*.

“Thank you.  I miss you guys.”

“We miss you too, Gilda.”

Mom has said a number of times that she loved living at the supportive living facility.  She had her own beautifully appointed one bedroom with a living room and kitchen.  She loved her room and the staff and they loved her.

Never could I of imagined that mom would say that she feels more comfortable where she lives right now.  Mom is currently in a three-bedded room; she never complains about being in her current room with two roommates.  I believe that mom feels safe and comfortable having staff who can care for her now because she knows she needs the help.

I have to wonder since she had gone to church Friday morning, if that is where she came to the realization that she is where she is supposed to be.

Mystery Marks Solved

While Joanne* was doing mom’s hair yesterday, I kept staring at mom.  She had some marks on her face on both cheeks.  I had never seen them before and I was concerned how the marks got there.  Mom had no idea where they came from. Joanne* and I kept examining mom’s marks clueless of what happened to mom.  Until Joanne* happen to notice that mom was not wearing her oxygen today. 

“Gilda, where is your oxygen tank?”

Mom said, “I have only been having the oxygen on when I sleep.” 

Joanne* and I looked at each other and laughed knowing that now her facial marks became clear as to how they happened. The oxygen tubes which press up against mom’s face had left imprints on her cheeks.    We were all relieved to solve that puzzle.

Body, Mind, and Spirit

Today was beauty shop day.  But the day was different than most days with mom; I could sense that from the moment I saw her.  Mom seemed content. She had just attended church on the second floor by a priest from St. Raphael’s; she really enjoyed attending mass again.  She had even had communion.  Going to church always made mom feel better.

The Community* has mass every Sunday on the first floor.  Now that mom has moved to the second floor she no longer feels comfortable going to the first floor even though the staff is happy to take her there as they do for many other residents from the second floor.   

Mom feels when she was on the first floor some of the other residents used to make fun of her because she needed help to play Bingo. They would say that her getting help was cheating even though mom would not have been able to play if someone did not help her.

Mom was also thrilled to show me that Shirley*, the activities director, had polished her nails this morning.  Mom has not had her nails polished in a couple years. Mom used to be a manicure in her earlier years and having someone else do her nails was a real treat.

After we came back from the beauty shop, mom was really feeling good.

Mom asked me if I brought the electric razor as she wanted me to shave her legs today.  I did.  She said her favorite part was when I massaged her legs after shaving them.

I also used mom’s small facial tool, to shave the peach fuzz off mom’s face.  She loves having this done and said her face felt very smooth.

"Mom, you had a spa day today.”

“What?”

“You had a day of pampering.”

“Thank you.  I really needed it.”

What I thought about when I was driving home was that today mom had a total body, mind and spirit day.

Roast Beef and a Root Beer

Mom and I went out for lunch yesterday.  We split a Portillo’s roast beef sandwich.  As usual mom did not want to get out of the car so we went through the drive-thru; then we sat in the car and ate our meal. 

We both agreed the sandwich was delicious especially since we had not eaten there for quite some time.  Mom always drinks water, but today she enjoyed a root beer when I had told her that root beer was OK for her to drink.  She said she really loved it and drank the whole glass.

"I am sorry I missed the root beer float they served last night. Who knows when they will have that again?"

"Well, next time you'll know you can enjoy one."

Excitedly Mom said, “Jerome and Debbie were here on Sunday.  They told me that I look good.  Do I look good to you?”

“Mom, I think you look great.”

During lunch today mom mentioned that her good friend, Darlene*, is leaving The Community* and moving in with her sister. Mom did not know how much longer Darlene* would be there.

When I brought my mom back to The Community*, we first went to her room where I rubbed mom’s legs with Aveeno lotion.  Mom had complained that her legs had become scaly and itchy.

Mom had told me that her bed was uncomfortable last night so I remade her bed taking out all the wrinkles and folds. She seemed to be pleased with my attempt to make her more comfortable.

Then we walked down the hall and mom walked over to her lift chair.  She was tired and wanted to take a nap. 

 

I gave mom a big hug and a kiss.  “Mom, we had a great time today, didn’t we?”

“Yes, Julienne, we did a lot today.”

“Yes, we did, mom.”

“To think I didn’t want to go, but I am glad you made me . . . nice to get out.”

“Our roast beef sandwich was yummy.”

“Yes . . . always push me to go out with you.”

“I will, mom.”

“I prayed again today.  I prayed for my kids and the whole world; that covers everyone right?”

“You’re right, your prayer covers everyone.  I’m proud of you.”

“Julienne, I am honored you are my daughter.”

“Thank you.”   Overwhelmed by emotion I smiled and squeezed mom.  “I love you, mom.”

“I love you with my whole heart, Julienne.”

Just then, Darlene*, was being transported from the dining room to along the wall in the nurses’ station.  Darlene* can’t move her legs, so the nurses have to push her wheel chair.

Mom called, “Darlene*, I’m over here.”

Overhearing my mom’s banter, Shirley*, the activities director, then pushed Darlene* by mom.

Looking directly at me Darlene* said, “I am moving on Saturday to live with my sister.”

“Mom and I will miss you.”

Mom said, “Darlene, I’m going to really miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too.”

“We hope you’ll be happy with your sister.”

“I hope I am not making a mistake moving out of here.  They told me I could come back if I want to.”

Mom said, “I hope you come back.”

As I said goodbye, mom blew kisses and I blew kisses back.  I felt sadness that mom is losing her good friend.  Mom has been so content in Darlene’s* company that I am very concerned how her friend leaving will affect her. 

The staff on mom’s floor knows that Darlene* and mom have a great relationship.  I hope that they are looking at trying to pare mom up with another lady with similar interests after Darlene* leaves. 

I pray that God will send a friend mom’s way.  We can only wait and see.

Who’s On First?

I woke up with the blues today . . .   no particular reason.  At least not one I could point to.  I decided to get some things done in my office and head out to see mom. 

When I arrived at 10:50AM, mom was already seated in the dining room with her friend, Darlene*.  Although lunch does not start being served until 11:30AM, the staff starts seating them early because most of the people on this floor need to be escorted or wheeled to their tables.

When I saw her, I asked her if she would like to go out for lunch today since the weather outside has cooled off and in the 80s.

“You want to go to lunch?”

“It’s beautiful outside mom; we could both use a little sunshine.”

“I don’t think I am feeling well.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I haven’t gone in 3 days.”

Mom gets very confused with time.  Before I actually saw mom today, I spoke with her nurse who informed me that mom had diarrhea all day yesterday, but had not gone today. 

Her nurse also asked me why mom can’t eat bananas, oranges, and root beer floats.  I told her that mom can eat all of those things.

“Mom, I heard you had diarrhea yesterday.”

“I don’t think so. Talk to my nurse.”

“I did right as I walked in and that is what she told me.”

“Julienne, talk to her about my menu . . . she wants to talk to you.” . .

“I did already, mom, I told her you can eat bananas, oranges and root beer floats.”

“I thought someone told me I couldn’t eat them.”

“Mom, I know you love bananas and root beer floats. You can go ahead and eat them.”

“Last night they served root beer floats, I didn’t have one.”

“Next time you should have one.”

“Julienne, I think they are serving chicken today for lunch.  I hate to miss chicken.”

“Mom, why don’t I stay with you until 11:30AM. You can eat here so you don’t miss your favorite meal.”

“No, maybe I can ask them to save my chicken for  dinner?”

“Mom, let’s go talk with your nurse.  I am ok with you not going out to lunch with me today.”

When we went to talk to her nurse, she showed us the weekly menu.

I read the menu to mom, “Meatloaf is being served for lunch; chicken is going to be served for dinner.”

“Let’s go to lunch, Julienne, I don’t care for meatloaf.”

As we were walking out to my car mom stopped and said,

“Julienne, what are we going to do about my diarrhea?”

“Mom, you don’t have diarrhea!”

God's Smiling

As I was helping mom back in my car, I heard her whispering.

“Mom, are you talking to me.  I am sorry; I cannot hear you.”

“Julienne, I am praying.  I pray for all God’s children; I pray for our family that everyone is well; and I pray for all the sick people at The Community*.”

I smiled a huge smile and said, “Mom, that is a beautiful prayer.  God loves when you pray.”

“I don’t remember to pray every day like I used to.”

“Mom, that’s Ok.  Pray when you remember.”

“Julienne, everyone here needs prayers.  Some of these people are very sick."


"Yes, mom, I agree some people at The Community* are very sick.  I'm glad you are praying for them."


 "Will you pray for them, too?"

“Yes, mom, I will.”

Just then mom bowed her head and spoke louder this time so I could hear her, “Lord, please help everyone and me.”

Can't Buy Her Love

I now understand mom better. She did the best she could.  Mom did not have a great home life.  Her parents were alcoholics; they had an abusive relationship. Her childhood was so bad that mom to this day shies away from talking about when she was a child or a teenager. 

Several years ago when she was diagnosed clinically depressed, she went to therapy to treat her depression. Mom refused to talk about her past.  Her psychiatrist said we may not want to go there with her; having her relive her childhood memories may worsen her condition.  To this day, mom hates when people ask her questions about anything.  She thinks people who ask those questions are being too noisy.

Mom was very close with her mother, but she did not feel loved by her father.     Mom told me her father hated her and always ignored her. 

Mom resented the fact that I looked so much like my father and people were constantly pointing that out to her. She did not nor could not understand the wonderful relationship I had with my father. 

She thought each of her children had to pick sides either dads or hers.  Even in her earlier years, there was no reasoning with mom . . . everything was either ‘black or white’.  

She always thought a child could only love one parent so she felt threatened that I loved dad so much.  She thought there was not enough love for her, too.  She was wrong.  I never stopped loving mom. 

She treated me badly because of her perception. She downed me and never thought I was good enough.  I’ve heard the saying that there is a fine line between love and hate.  I always felt that I hated mom for the way she treated me, but I always sought after her love.   I wanted her to encourage and support me; to believe in me and to accept me for who I was.  She did not know how because she never received that kind of support from either of her parents.

After turning thirty and receiving a huge promotion to a Vice President status, my husband bought me a fur coat.  Mom was neither impressed nor proud of me.  She seemed to be jealous or angry at my success.

I convinced my husband that for mom’s birthday that we should buy her a fur coat, too.  This action still did not buy me her love.  She seemed to feel I owed her the fur coat because I was not the daughter she wanted.  The daughter she wanted would love her not my father. Since a child could not love both of her parents; I had been a huge disappointment to her.

Buying her a fur or several other beautiful things gave me no satisfaction. The more we did for her the more she felt I was paying her back for not loving her more than I loved my father. My heart ached that nothing I could do could please her.  As my actions were an attempt to win her approval and her affection, what I received was anything but her love.

As I grew older, I needed my mom’s love more than ever.  But instead of receiving that love, I felt more and more insecure.  I learned life lessons by making mistakes.

 I tried to make her proud of me by everything I was accomplishing in life . . . a great job, winning awards, sales contests, a loving husband, a beautiful home and wonderful friends.   None of these things seem to make her proud of me or what I had done with my life.

I share this part of my life because my relationship with mom now has changed dramatically. Does mom doubt my love today?  Not for a moment, she knows I love her with every bone in my body.  She does not understand how I could, but she knows that I do. 

She remembers how badly she treated me and has apologized.  She knows I would do anything for her and she is right. Although I never felt any love from her till these last few years, I really feel her love these last few months.  She has realized now that I always loved her. 

I love my mom more now than I ever loved her before.  I kept clinging to hope of having a mother who would love me in return.  Although both mom and I would have never wished for this stage of life for her; maybe this was the only way for both mom and me to have a good mother and daughter relationship.  I believe mom always wanted to feel my love for her and now she does.  She does not wonder today if I love my father.  She just knows I love her and she loves me back.