Taking Us for a Ride

 

 

Days for people with dementia are like a roller coaster.  Although as mom’s dementia progresses her highs are never really high anymore, but her lows seem lower than ever.

After my visit with mom on Monday, I felt compelled to go back today.  Mom’s frustration level on Monday was so bad I had hard time thinking about anything else, but her words to me and her condition.  Our visit was so tough I did not have the strength to blog nor could I now even share our entire visit that day.  I had to see mom again today before I would be able to share part of the story.

 My visit with mom on Monday was harder to experience then even last Friday when mom was so fragile and confused that I asked the hospice nurse if what mom was experiencing could be a final stage of dementia.  Dana* immediately informed me that mom may be nowhere near her final stage.  Certainly only God knows that for sure, but Dana* mentioned that dementia has many more difficult stages.   I just pray that mom does not experience them, but if that is God’s plan for her I will make sure I am there to comfort her on her pathway to heaven.

While sitting with mom on Monday, mom was complaining about the food.  Mom selects what she wants to eat from a preplanned menu.  She chooses what she would like to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  As good as that might seem, mom is a fussy eater.   So the selection process is not an easy one.  In addition, food she used to like now may give her gas or diarrhea so she has eliminated those food items from her diet.  Mom is now down to 127 pounds which is a total of 22 pounds slimmer than she came into the Rehab facility back in March of this year.

I suggested to mom that I would go over the preplanned menu for the week with her.  Together we would choose her meals for the week.  She agreed.  After I brought the menu selection to mom, I started with lunch which was her next meal.  After I finished with this day’s lunch selection, I started to read her the choices for dinner, mom said in anger, “Stop!!!   I’ve had enough.  I can’t do this.”

Helpless and confused I said, “What can’t you do?”

“That’s it, Julienne.  No more.”

I was not reading fast.  I was saying one item at a time and asking if she liked that food item.  I think mom could not comprehend what I was saying.  To her having to choose was pressure. I was making her have too many things to think about.   Here I thought I was helping her, instead I was adding to her frustration level.  Well-intended ideas are not always taken that way. 

I backed down saying, “No problem, mom.  I was only trying to make life easier for you.”

She just shook her head from side to side saying, “That’s it!”

Shortly thereafter, I hugged and kissed mom.  She knew I was standing up to leave.

She looked sad, “Julienne, I don’t want to fight.”

“Mom, we are so not fighting.  I am just trying to help you anyway I can.”

“Don’t be mad at me, Julienne.”

I felt a tug at my heart when these words came out of my mouth,

 “Mom, I will never be mad at you again”.

 

“Julienne, I love you more than you will ever know.”

“Mom, believe me I finally know.  I love you that much, too.”

As I walked away Monday, I wondered how much of mom and my life’s bad relationship was my fault.  Every relationship has two points of view; I was used to only seeing mine.