Don’t Let Me Linger

 

On Friday, walking back into The Community* where mom calls home, Jeanne’s* mom greeted us as she always does after mom gets her hair done.  She always compliments mom on how great she looks which always makes mom feel good.  Today her hospice aide was also there as we were walking in.  Since today seemed a day of lasts I thought I should take as many photos of people whom mom really liked and who had a knack for making mom feel good.

 

We saw several other people in the foyer who we greeted.  As usual we stopped and talked to everyone. 

Mom said after the last one, “Julienne, you have a vocabulary.”

“What about a vocabulary?’

“You can talk about anything to anyone.”

“Mom, who do I take after?”

“I don’t have a vocabulary.”

With that we walked on the elevator. When the doors opened Jack* one of the kindest people we have ever met at The Community* was there.  He donates his time there every day since his wife passed away many years ago.  He is not only there brightening the residents’ lives, but he brightens their families’ lives, too.  When mom first broke her hip five years ago, he would always take pictures of mom and Jerome, Jamie, and me.  Then he would develop them and give them to mom as a keepsake.  So I felt that I should return the favor since I was in the picture taking mood today.

“How about I take a photo of you with mom?” 

“You don’t want me to ruin the photo do you? Why don’t I take a photo of you and your mother?’

“OK, we will do both.”

 

Although mom was weak, she loves taking photos which is evident by her genuine smile.

 

After photos, I wheeled mom back to the nurses’ station where the other residents were sitting.  I had mom sit on a lounge chair near the oxygen tank which is where I found mom this morning.  The nurse had seated mom there just in case mom had hard time breathing.

Right before mom sat down she turned to me surprised and smiling said, “Julienne, I just got a burst of energy.”

“How wonderful, mom! Do you think it was the hamburger, getting your hair done, or seeing Jack*?”

Smiling mom said, “I like this feeling.  Did I tell you Jerome was here last night and helped me eat three cups of pudding, a scrambled egg and a hardboiled egg?”

“Did you have a scrambled egg and a hardboiled egg?”

“Yes, I felt like eating.  I have the best family in the world. My kids are all great.  I love each one of you. I want all my kids to be happy.”

“I am glad you feel that way because we love you with all our hearts.”

“Mom, Michael is playing in his last soccer tournament today. Did you remember that Michael is Captain of the team?”

With pride mom said, “That Michael, he sure is great.”

“You are so right, mom.”

“Jerome and Debbie went to Ohio today to watch Michael’s tournament.”

“Great.”

Mom opened her eyes wide looking right through me, “Julienne, I don’t want to linger.  Please, you promised.”

“Mom, I don’t want you to linger.   God decides.”

 Mom raised her hand slightly “Look your girlfriend is here, Julienne.”    Mom always calls Dana* the hospice nurse, my girlfriend.

Dana* saw mom smiling at her and came right over.  Mom tell Dana* what you just told me.

Mom looked directly into Dana’s* eyes, “I told my daughter I don’t what to linger.”

Dana* said, “Gilda, I understand.  We will do everything we can to make you comfortable.”

“Dana, mom calls you my girlfriend because she cannot remember your name.”

“I know she does. I like it; she makes me feel good.”

“Mom can you do me a favor.  If you feel your time is near will you ask the nurse to call me so I can be with you?”

“You want to be with me when I die.”

“Yes, mom I want to hold your hand.  I want you to know how loved you are. “

“Julienne, I’ll try. “  Mom looked at Dana*, “Can I ask to wait till my daughter gets here?”

“Sometimes people can wait.  But it’s out of my control, you know Gilda only God knows.”

“Mom, if you can have the nurse call me, I will be here as fast as I can.  I promise.  You know I don’t break my promises.”

“I know.  I hope I can do that.”

“I was there when dad passed and I want to be there for you, too.   Mom, do you remember when dad passed away that his mother came to get him.”

“No, how do you know that?”

“Mom, a few of us were in his bedroom when this happened. 

“Julienne, see I don’t remember.”

“Mom, do you remember that I wrote a story about dad that got published in a book.  You have the book.”

Mom shook her head as if to say yes then said, “You are writing about me now.”

“Mom, I have been writing the most beautiful tribute to you that I can.”

Mom smiled so big, I could tell a peace filled her body.  She knew all about my blog.  She knew why I was taking her photos, but in her mind it was a book.

“Mom, I’ll tell you dad’s story.”

 

Dana* was kneeling next to mom and I was sitting facing mom on her transporter that I used as a chair since there was no other chairs around mom.

I began, “On early Christmas Eve morning around 3AM, you called all your kids and said that hospice said dad was going to die soon.  We all dressed up and rushed over.  Ron and I lived over an hour from your home.  Ron drove very fast while I cried all the way.  I was so afraid I was not going to see dad before he passed.  When we arrived at the house, I ran in the door and raced to your bedroom. 

Dad looking like a skeleton of himself was sitting up in bed.  He opened his eyes wide when I walked through his bedroom door, “No need to hurry, I waited for you.  I’m not ready yet.”   Prior to our arrival, dad was going in and out of speaking in tongues. And after we arrived he continued.

Mom, I had bought dad a Christmas Mass at home for his Christmas present.  Well, dad waited for the priest who came to say Christmas Mass at 2PM.  We had several family members in dad’s room.  When the priest said the Our Father, dad became coherent again and said the prayer with us.  When the mass was over, dad shook the priest hands and said ‘Thank you.’   Then the priest and the nun left.  In fact, you walked the priest and nun out. 

Dad raised his hands towards the top of your armoire which was in front of your bed.  We wondered what he was looking at.  There was a white bowl and water picture like the one the apostles washed Jesus’ feet with on the Last Supper.  Dad smiled with a happiness I had never seen before and spoke ‘mom, mom’.  Some people immediately thought he was calling you and went to get you, but he never called you ‘mom’ before. “

Mom said, “He was calling his mother.”

“Yes, mom, you’re right.  He was calling his mother.  His mother came to take him.  Dad’s hands grabbed her spirit and he was gone.”

“Julienne, how beautiful!  I hope I can go like that.”

“Mom, I believe that when we die someone who loves you very much comes to take you to heaven.

“Oh, Julienne, I hope so.”

“Mom, who do you want to come for you?  Would you like Dad or your mother?

“Either one, I would like either one!”

“Mom, I want the gift to know who comes for you if that is possible.”

Dana* said, “That is so beautiful, but it doesn’t always happen like that.”

“I know Dana*, but if a person prays, I wonder if they can make their wish happen.  I have always thought what a beautiful Christmas present Our Lord gave to everyone who was in my dad’s room that day.”

“Gilda, if you feel like it is your time tell someone if you can. We will do our best to have your daughter at your side.”

“Mom, do you like knowing that someone you love will come for you.”

She shook her head, “Yes, yes.”

“Mom, can I ask you for another favor?”  Mom tilted her head puzzled like what else could she give me.

“When it is time for me to go to heaven, will you come for me?”

“I will request it.  I don’t know if He will let me.”

“Mom, it would be perfect if I could have both you and dad together.”

“Julienne, you know I would do anything for you.   I will if I can.”

Mom seemed to feel comforted by our conversation.  I tried to remove any fear mom might have about dying the best way I could.  I have been praying for His Guidance to speak the right words to her.

Mom said, “Julienne, when are Jerome and Debbie coming home?”

“Michael’s last game is on Sunday night.  They will be home on Monday.”  Mom shook her head as if she felt good that she knew they would be home soon.

“Mom, would you like any one to visit you?”

“Julienne, invite whoever you want to my funeral.   It’s OK.”

“Mom, I am not talking about your funeral.  You are loved very much.  Everyone you know will come.  I don’t have to ask them.  I am asking you about right now.  Would you like to see anyone?”

“Just my immediate family”

“Please let me know if you change your mind.  There are a lot of people who would like to see you.”

“Julienne, make sure to take care of everyone . . . our whole family.”

“Of course, I will.  Mom, you will be watching over me so you can make sure I do a good job.”

“You think I’ll be able to do that.”

“I think you will.”

I hugged and kissed mom.  I said, “Mom I had a beautiful day.  I love you with my whole heart.”

Mom said, “Me too, I had a beautiful day.  Julienne, I love you with my whole heart.”  Mom and I blew kisses as I started to walk away with Dana* to the nurses’ desk.

Dana* said, “Boy, it’s so nice you can both talk about dying.   Your mom seems at peace.”

“Dana, could we have a priest from St. Thomas visit mom soon?”

“Sure, are you asking for last rites?”

“Yes, I am. I would like her to have that blessing while she is still coherent. “

“Of course, I will call and schedule it.” 

“Please let me know when because I want to be there.  I do not want her to be afraid.”

“Of course, I’ll let you know as soon as I know.”

Dana* said, “How are you?”

“I’m strong, at least in front of my mother.”

With that I turned around to look at mom she had already dozed off. One of the aides must have put a blanket on her.  She looked comfortable and peaceful. 

  Rest comfortably, mom, and God be with you.