For Auld Lang Syne

 

Since mom’s memory seems to be fading, yesterday when I saw mom I brought her wedding book with me.  Her book is quite, large but I managed to wheel her to a table in the activity room while holding on to her book.  In the past I would have had mom hold her book on her lap while I wheeled her, but she does not have any strength to be able to do that now.

Mom’s wedding book is absolutely one of the most beautiful wedding books I have ever seen.  The first few pages were mom in her wedding dress.  Her dress was nothing short of spectacular even in today’s standards.  I would have gladly worn mom’s wedding dress had the dress been cleaned after her wedding.  Unfortunately, nothing had been done to preserve her dress so the dress had yellowed and the stains from the evening were set in permanently.

While I turned the pages, mom seemed to be in a trance. 

“Mom, you look beautiful in your wedding dress.”

Mom looked at me and smiled and looked back at the book.

I turned another page where dad was kissing her.  “Who’s that mom?”

 

“Guido,” mom said.

“Dad was a handsome man.”  Mom shook her head agreeing with me.

The next page was of her bridal party.  “Mom, do you recognize these people?”

 

She seemed to be in deep thought.   I pointed to one of her bridesmaids “Who is this mom?  She is your sister.”

“Lena.” Mom said.

"Aunt Lena's husband is standing alongside her."

Mom said nothing. 

"Mom, that is Uncle Al." 

Mom smiled.

I pointed to her other bridesmaid, “Do you recognize this person?  She is your best friend.  She just visited you with her husband, Bill.”

“Nita,” mom stated.

“You are doing great, mom!”

“You had a beautiful flower child? Do you remember her name?”

Mom starred, but she said nothing.  So I said, “Janice, she is one of your godchildren.”

Mom shook her head yes as though Janice’s name was on the tip of her tongue.

The next photo had my half sister, Jean, and my half brother, John. "Mom, is this Jean and John?"  She smiled at me and nodded yes.

 

When I turned to the last page, the photo was of mom and dad and her mother and father.  I could see that mom was exhausted looking at all these photos.

“Do you recognize this couple?”

Mom shook her head yes, but said nothing.

“That is your mother and father.”

 

Mom nodded in agreement.

Once I had closed the book mom said, “What is His Reason?”

“Mom, are you talking about God?”

She nodded yes.

“I wish I knew, but I do not know His reason for keeping you here.”

“Let me . . . Go!”

“Mom, I let you go a long time ago when you first asked me to.  I wish that was enough. ”

“Ready!!!”

“I know you are ready, mom.  I think you think that I am keeping you alive, but I am not.  Mom, God has all the control,” I said in frustration, but trying to help her understand.

I suggested that we pray and we did as we normally do holding hands.

I hugged mom tight and kissed her.  She said, “I     . . .  looking  . . . answers.”

I shook my head agreeing with mom, “I wish I had the answers.”

Mom said, “Pray for me.”

I reassured her that not a day or evening go by without me praying for her.

As I write this blog on New Year's Eve, I cannot help but wonder what His reason is and truly wishing I had the answer.  Certainly, mom is more than ready.  How much longer does she have to wait?  What will 2013 bring mom?