Two Sides of a Coin

Although the Community* holds a care meeting regarding each of their residents every 90 days, it feels like I am in this meeting every month.  Since the last meeting when everything had been running smoothly where I only had praise for the facility and their people, this meeting had a completely different tone because there were several mishaps regarding mom’s care.

When the meeting started, they were the ones reminding me of many situations that had gone awry with mom’s care during the elapsed time.  I added the additional issues that they had missed in the last two weeks, because some of the staff attending was not aware of all that had transpired.

The most interesting thing came when they approach the part of the meeting that seems like a common courtesy and they ask “What can we do to improve your mother’s care besides what we have already discussed?

I thought about their comment this time and considered two different points of view that I heard earlier today.  When I arrived early, I rode the elevator with Karen* who is a social worker for The Community*.  She told me that mom had joined her for a fun get-together with other residents in the garden room last night after dinner.  I was surprised that my mom did that as I know that in the last six months the only thing mom wants to do right after dinner is go to bed.  I must have seemed shocked when she mentioned this but said, “Well, I am glad mom joined in the fun.”

Karen* mentioned that since mom liked it she would have her join in more often.

So later when I was with mom I said, “Mom, I heard you joined Karen* and a few other residents last night for a get-together.”

“Julienne, it was horrible.  She told me we were going to have fun.   I hate being asked all those stupid questions.”

“Mom, she told me you enjoyed it and that everyone had fun.”

“Fun!  Fun!  That’s crazy.  I never want to do that again.”

“Mom, the next time Karen* asks you to go just say NO.  You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to!”

“I hate answering her questions; they are so stupid.”

“What did she ask you?”

“If we ever thought of committing suicide, she also told me she was going to have a get together every week.  I don’t want to go!!!”

“Mom, I agree.  I am not sure why she would ask you that.  I will talk with her and make sure she knows you don’t want to be asked questions and that you don’t want to attend her future get-togethers.”

So when I had my opportunity in the meeting I asked if Karen* could please stop asking mom questions.  I also let her know that mom did not find her get-together fun.  And just as I suspected mom said she would rather be the first one in bed after dinner not going to an unnecessary gathering.  I was told that mom should refuse Karen* when she asks.

Karen* said, “When I asked your mom last night if she wanted to join in our party, she said ‘Let’s get this over with’.” 

My response was “Does this sound like my mom really wanted to go?”