Our Last Kiss

 

On Saturday morning I had woken up early to wash both of our Baci and Porsha, while Ron rested in bed with ice packs on his knee from overexerting himself. The night before Ron did an enormous amount of walking while attending a special wedding at the Botanical Gardens. Ron had even persuaded me to dance a slow dance with him even though his total knee replacement surgery was only three weeks previous.  Clearly dancing was much more than his knee was ready for.  Yet Ron says he would never miss an opportunity to dance with his bride and after 34 years, I am thankful for his romantic side.

When I finished washing Baci I had brought him back to our bedroom to blow dry him and watch a little TV at the same time.  The phone rang as I just started drying Baci. Our TV displays the name of the person or company who is calling on the bottom of our television.  Although I heard the phone ring, I did not look up to see who was calling, Ron happened to see the name and shouted, “The Community*, Julienne.”  Although I normally do not answer the phone while trying to hold a wet dog, I made an exception and carried Baci to the phone and held him while I answered.

The Community* has called me many times in the past to let me know if there is even a slight change or event regarding mom’s care or state of being. I always take their call no matter what I am in the middle of.  Even when I am on vacation, I want to know every detail about mom. The Community* has respected my wishes throughout mom’s stay with them. I normally take a sigh of relief after speaking with them only to find out that there is nothing seriously wrong with mom.  They will call even with a change in her appetite. Nevertheless, each time they call, I pick up the phone with a sense of urgency.

In the past, they have always reassured me that mom was fine, but this call was unlike the others. I was expecting or hoping the call to be something simple like a change in mom’s medicine or a slight temperature, or a slight change in medical condition.

When I answered, the soft voice with accent said, “Julie . . .Ann, your mom is doing bad, very bad.”

Alarmed and confused I said, “What do you mean bad?”

“We’re not sure.  She did not wake up this morning.  She is on oxygen and she cannot open her eyes or talk.”

“I don’t understand.  What happened?  I was just with her yesterday for lunch.”

“Julie . . Ann, I’m sorry you know this was going to happen someday.”

“Yes, I knew eventually, but she was doing so well yesterday. She was fine.  She was eating a double cheeseburger with me.  We went for a walk.”  I soon realized I was babbling on.  Whatever I experienced yesterday with mom did not matter.  Mom was sick very sick.

“Your mom could be like this for a long time”, Billy* commented.

“I will be over very soon, Billy*.  I am right in the middle of washing my dogs.  Thank you for calling me!”

Ron listening to my side of the conversation said, “What happened to mom?”

“I don’t know, honey, mom never woke up today.  She’s on oxygen, but even with the oxygen she is still having a hard time breathing.  I am going to finish the puppies, wash up and go see mom!”

“I will come with you”.

“Honey, your leg is swollen.  Stay home and take care of your knee!”

“I’m coming.  I’ll be OK.  I’ve got to see mom!”

“Ok, let’s get ready to go!”

About ten minutes later, the phone rang.  I saw by his photo the call was from Jamie. I wondered if I should alarm him before I had a chance to see mom for myself.  “Hello, Jamie?”

“Julienne, mom is doing very badly.”  I could hear the fear and sadness in his voice.

“Did they call you?”

“No, I stopped by to visit mom this morning.  I’m here with her right now.”

“They called me a few minutes ago, Jamie.  I am on my way.”

“I’m so glad.”

“I’ll see you soon. Can you call Jerome and tell him exactly what you are seeing with mom?”

“Yes.”

When Ron and I walked into mom’s room Jamie was sitting to the right on mom’s left side where there was a chair and clearly a little more room. Jamie said, “Mom has not responded at all. I called Jerome. He is in Wisconsin with cousins playing golf.”

“Thanks for calling Jerome.  I am so glad you let him know.”

Mom’s eyes were closed, her mouth was open and her breathing was labored.  She was unaware of her surroundings and motionless.

I sat on mom’s bed next to her right side. I gently picked up and held her limp hand.

“Mom, it’s Julienne.  I kissed her cheeks, “Hey, beautiful lady, I love you. What happened, mom?  We were just eating double cheeseburgers yesterday.”  I stroked her hair gently. Mom’s head moved; she tried to open her eyes with all her strength. Her right eye opened wide her left eye slightly opened and then snapped shut. She miraculously lifted her head towards me for a kiss.  She wrapped her left hand around my right arm for a hug.  Mom mumbled, “I love you so much.” 

I hugged mom till her body went limp.  “Oh, mom, I love you so much, too.  Thank you for hugging and kissing me.”

“Oh my God, Julienne, she has made no attempt at any response until she heard your voice,” Jamie said.

Mom was definitely happy to see me. And I could feel her love with every ounce of my body.   I kept holding her hand and talking with her. 

At one point during the next hour mom looked at me, squeezed my hand, and said, “C’mon!!!”

“Mom, I know you want to be at peace.  God is coming for you.  I am sure your prayer is being answered soon.”

“Be patient, mom, we can’t rush God,” Jamie said.

Mom faded back into her trance like state. She was breathing with increased effort on her part.

As I started to get up off the bed, I mentioned that I was going to go and speak with Billy*, mom’s nurse, to see what we can do and what we should expect.  I suggested to Jamie that he sit where I was sitting since mom’s body is leaning that way.    I thought that mom may have had a stroke due to her left eye not being able to open wide, her body leaning towards her right side and her face was distorted.

Jamie immediately moved into my previous spot holding mom’s right hand.

Before I left the room Ron said, “You set your phone on the bed when you walked in.  I picked up your phone and took a photo of you and mom when she asked you for a kiss.  I think you are going to treasure this photo forever.”

I immediately picked up my phone and looked at the photo of mom and me.  Then I looked back at mom’s present state.  Seemed so hard to believe she woke up, kissed and hugged me and now was back in a trance. Nevertheless I will forever have this lovely photo of our last kiss which will only become more precious to me with time.

With my phone in hand, I walked down to see Billy* and show her that mom woke up to kiss and hug me and tell me that she loved me.  Billy* smiled a sad smile knowing that there were not many more of those coming my way if any.  She informed me that this was the beginning of mom’s end.  “Everyone is different, but we believe she has a week to ten days left.  I have called hospice.  I am so sorry, Julie  . . .  Ann.”

“Does mom need pain medication?”

“Yes, I have ordered her morphine.  There will be no more medication given to her except Antivan which we will order in liquid form.”

“I understand. Please keep my mom as comfortable as possible.”

“We will.”

When I walked back in the room, Ron announced, “You just missed it.  Mom grabbed Jamie and pulled him towards her to give him a kiss.  You took your phone or I would have snapped the photo for him.” 

I was so happy Jamie had moved to her better side so even in her present trance like state she could somewhat see him and know he was there.  Jamie was still holding mom’s hand.  I sat on the other side of her bed continuing to talk to mom about our wonderful day yesterday.  I also told her about the wedding Ron and I had attended the night before describing the beautiful scenery, their delicious food, entertainment, and the gorgeous flower centerpieces they had.  I spoke with her like I normally would. 

Around 2pm Ron suggested that he would go out and bring in some lunch for the three of us.  While he was gone, Billy* came back in mom’s room and gave her Antivan. “You both are in for a very long week.  You might go and get some rest for tomorrow.” With that note, Billy* left. 

The longer Jamie and I sat with mom, the more peaceful she became.  Her breath was still labored, but she looked more comfortable as though she was in a deep restful sleep.

My conversation with mom became more serious, “Mom, you are beginning your journey to heaven.  God is preparing a place for you.  We know this makes you happy.  You seem to be very peaceful right now. We will let you rest for now.”

We both kissed mom and went to the Garden Room to meet up with Ron and eat lunch.  After we talked and finished lunch we decided to let mom rest and go home for today unless we received a call to come back which seemed unlikely per our recent discussion with mom’s nurse.

A few hours later Jerome texted me that he and Debbie were sitting with mom, his note was, “no change. Mom is still unresponsive and in a deep sleep.”  I was comforted that they were there and thankful for Jerome’s text.

I went to bed early that night praying and crying myself to sleep.  My prayers were that “God bless mom with a gentle and beautiful passing as she had so wished for.”  My tears were selfish.  They were about me already feeling the loss of our hugs, walks, and conversations.  I prayed that God would bless both mom and me to be together during her last breaths.  I slept lightly anticipating a possible phone call.