A few years
after dad passed, mom was diagnosed with clinical depression and bi-polar. I
remember teaching mom the power of affirmations. Telling mom to write over and over the same positive
thought. I explained that if she put positive thoughts in her mind instead of
negative ones her life would change for the better. I suggested working on one issue at a time. This sheet that I found was one of her
completed affirmation exercises.
The first
sentence was clearly in my handwriting. I wrote: “I’m getting better and
better. The second sentence is mom’s
handwriting and she wrote the same exact affirmation. However when mom went to write the
affirmation down the next time, she changed the affirmation to: ‘Im getting
healthier and healthier’. She finished writing
that same affirmation to the end of the page. This exercise must be at least 15
years old as I remember that mom and I sat on her stools next to her island in
her kitchen when she lived on her own in her condo. This paper made me smile remembering how mom
would humor me and do the affirmation exercises I would give her. I remembered how hard I prayed that something
would work to help her depression. I was
willing to try anything.
After I put
the sheet with the affirmations down and picked up the smaller paper, I came
upon something more precious than gold.
I found a note written in pencil on a sheet of paper that appeared to
come from a tablet that mom often wrote her grocery list on. She had written on both sides of the
paper. She did not sign her name. And the note was not addressed to
anyone.
I do not have
any recollection of mom ever showing me this note, although since my brain
surgery over eight years ago occasionally there are things I do not seem to
remember. I cannot believe that I would
ever forget her heartfelt message. After reading her note I was so stunned that
I told no one until yesterday when Jamie came over for lunch. We had a box of mom’s knick knacks we were
going to peruse for sentimental value.
When we were
through, I showed Jamie mom’s note. I asked him if he had ever asked mom to write
me a note because sometimes when she treated me poorly or we had an argument Jamie
would ask her to be nice to me. Jamie shook
his head no. He had never seen mom’s
note before. Something Jamie said then resonated
with me, “We are looking through this box of trinkets . . .
This letter trumps anything mom could have left anyone.”
I enjoyed
the afternoon with my brother going down ‘Memory Lane’. When he left I read mom’s
note again. My eyes filled with tears as I realized that mom wrote this on her
own fruition. Maybe during one of her therapy
sessions that she went to several years ago her therapist might have suggested
that she write down her feelings, but I will never know for sure. Either way mom never gave me her note even
though she kept it herself. I have to wonder if she hoped I would someday read
the words she had written about me.
Mom’s Note
(I typed her note exactly how mom
wrote. I did not change a word or punctuation)
My daughter Julienne was a precious
baby a beautiful girl I was so proud of
her, I dressed her up gorgeous. I love
her very much but I think I was very strict with her, now that I am sick and
depressed she has been a great help to me between her and Jamie gives me shots;
taken me to the doctor; helping me with my bills and bank statement. I am so grateful to here.
What a wonderful daughter I have, so
loving and giving, always there when I need her trying to make me write
affirmation on Im having great night
sleep which has worked. Now I am writing
yes I have more pep energy today and appetite.
I love my daughter very much and I am
blessed to have here. If only I could show
her by getting to feel well again.
Jesus my Savior I give myself to you. Your in charge. Thanks for everything
I am not
sure why mom could never show me the note. Nevertheless, there is no doubt in
my mind, mom and I both always wanted the same thing each other’s love and
affection. Thankfully that is precisely
what we received in our last chapter. God
helped me find mom’s note which I will treasure as long as I live.
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