A Message from Mom

 The other day while going through some of mom’s paperwork, I came across a few pieces of paper that mom had written that intrigued me.  The first paper I found was a sheet of white 8 ½ by 11 notebook paper with an affirmation written over and over again. 

A few years after dad passed, mom was diagnosed with clinical depression and bi-polar. I remember teaching mom the power of affirmations.  Telling mom to write over and over the same positive thought. I explained that if she put positive thoughts in her mind instead of negative ones her life would change for the better.  I suggested working on one issue at a time.  This sheet that I found was one of her completed affirmation exercises.

 

 

The first sentence was clearly in my handwriting. I wrote: “I’m getting better and better.  The second sentence is mom’s handwriting and she wrote the same exact affirmation.  However when mom went to write the affirmation down the next time, she changed the affirmation to: ‘Im getting healthier and healthier’.  She finished writing that same affirmation to the end of the page. This exercise must be at least 15 years old as I remember that mom and I sat on her stools next to her island in her kitchen when she lived on her own in her condo.   This paper made me smile remembering how mom would humor me and do the affirmation exercises I would give her.  I remembered how hard I prayed that something would work to help her depression.  I was willing to try anything.

After I put the sheet with the affirmations down and picked up the smaller paper, I came upon something more precious than gold.  I found a note written in pencil on a sheet of paper that appeared to come from a tablet that mom often wrote her grocery list on.  She had written on both sides of the paper.  She did not sign her name.  And the note was not addressed to anyone. 

I do not have any recollection of mom ever showing me this note, although since my brain surgery over eight years ago occasionally there are things I do not seem to remember.  I cannot believe that I would ever forget her heartfelt message. After reading her note I was so stunned that I told no one until yesterday when Jamie came over for lunch.  We had a box of mom’s knick knacks we were going to peruse for sentimental value.

When we were through, I showed Jamie mom’s note.   I asked him if he had ever asked mom to write me a note because sometimes when she treated me poorly or we had an argument Jamie would ask her to be nice to me.  Jamie shook his head no.  He had never seen mom’s note before.  Something Jamie said then resonated with me, “We are looking through this box of trinkets  . . .  This letter trumps anything mom could have left anyone.”

I enjoyed the afternoon with my brother going down ‘Memory Lane’. When he left I read mom’s note again. My eyes filled with tears as I realized that mom wrote this on her own fruition.  Maybe during one of her therapy sessions that she went to several years ago her therapist might have suggested that she write down her feelings, but I will never know for sure.  Either way mom never gave me her note even though she kept it herself. I have to wonder if she hoped I would someday read the words she had written about me.

 

 

Mom’s Note

(I typed her note exactly how mom wrote. I did not change a word or punctuation)

My daughter Julienne was a precious baby a beautiful girl  I was so proud of her, I dressed her up gorgeous.  I love her very much but I think I was very strict with her, now that I am sick and depressed she has been a great help to me between her and Jamie gives me shots; taken me to the doctor; helping me with my bills and bank statement.   I am so grateful to here.

What a wonderful daughter I have, so loving and giving, always there when I need her trying to make me write affirmation on Im having  great night sleep which has worked.  Now I am writing yes I have more pep energy today and appetite.

I love my daughter very much and I am blessed to have here.  If only I could show her by getting to feel well again. 

Jesus my Savior I give myself to you.  Your in charge.  Thanks for everything

 

 

I am not sure why mom could never show me the note. Nevertheless, there is no doubt in my mind, mom and I both always wanted the same thing each other’s love and affection.  Thankfully that is precisely what we received in our last chapter.  God helped me find mom’s note which I will treasure as long as I live.

Time for Goodbyes

 

I woke up anxious the next morning at 5:31am, surprised that I had slept through the night.  I laid there quietly praying again.  My request was the same:  I asked God to let me be there to comfort mom in her passing.

 

My intuition told me that I had to go to see mom right now. I jumped in the shower, ate breakfast, and headed off for mom.  Ron asked if I wanted him to join me.  I assured him that I wanted some quality time with mom, but I promised to text him on her state.

Upon entering her room, mom appeared quite similar to how I had first seen her yesterday however a little restless.  Mom also had a slight temperature.  I was told these were next stages for mom and to be expected.  I sent a text to Ron and my brothers with an update on mom.

I spoke with Billy* who told me that they would be putting a Scopolamine patch on moms chest. This medication helps with the secretions and the death rattle that so often accompanies a person prior to their passing.  In a healthy person a doctor may prescribe them to help relieve motion sickness or nausea.  Everything we were doing for mom was for her comfort.

While sitting and holding mom’s hand, she mumbled occasionally with her eyes closed.  I just kept talking and letting her know how much she is loved.  I spoke about heaven and all our relatives who she will see after all these years.

Billy* kept giving mom a tiny sponge that she had dipped in thickened water to wet mom’s lips.  The thickened water and thickened cranberry juice was all they had given mom in the last two days.  If the water or juice was served to mom in their normal state, they would cause mom to choke and possibly be the cause of her passing.  We were allowed to dip the sponge and give to mom when she looked like she wanted something to drink.

Jamie had called my Aunt Jay and my Godmother Marlene and informed them about mom’s condition.  They must have been guided by God to visit mom as they wasted no time; they came to the hospital around 11am that morning. 

Aunt Jay and Marlene both held mom’s hands. They could not believe how quickly mom had turned for the worse.  I had just recently seen both of them and spoke about how well mom was doing because at that time she was.  I told them the events of the last two days. 

Aunt Jay asked mom if she knew she was there would she squeeze her hand.  Mom’s response was immediate; she squeezed Aunt Jay’s hand. They both told mom that they loved her.  I could tell that mom was mumbling deep down inside herself trying to say out loud that she loved them too.

Around 12noon Jamie and Tracy walked in, we were still all around mom’s bedside talking with her. Shortly thereafter Aunt Jay and Marlene left. 

Prior to my leaving, I said to mom, “I am going to give you some quality time with Jamie and Tracy now. I will see you later.  I love you with my whole heart and soul.” Mom mumbled with her eyes closed.  I imagined she was telling me the same thing.

With that, I walked to my car and sat and cried.  I knew our days were numbered, but I had no idea what number today was.

I remembered how just two days ago mom and I were eating double cheeseburgers together.  I remember our beautiful walk to our pond and gazebo.  My eyes flooded with tears as I remembered mom blowing me the last kisses I will ever receive from her that day.  Surely those past days will only be a faint memory someday.

The phone rang while I withered in my sorrow.  Ron was calling to check up on mom.  He could tell I was crying.  He asked me not to drive until I could control my tears.  I promised I would wait. 

When I came home, I began blogging about last Friday with mom.  I did not want to forget any detail.  Later that afternoon, Ron started barbecuing steaks for dinner.  I told him before we sat down for dinner and started to watch TV I wanted to check in with mom’s nurse.

At 5:30pm on Sunday their switchboard is closed, but I had the direct line to the nurses’ station on mom floor and section.  I asked for the nurse who was in charge of Gilda Mascitti.

Kris* came to the phone; I had never spoken to her before. 

“Hi, Kris*, I’m Julienne, Gilda Mascitti’s daughter.  I am calling to see how my mom is doing tonight.”

Her response was so matter of fact, “Your mother is actively dying.”

No sound followed---no words, I was spellbound.  I had a huge lump in my throat that left me immediately without my voice.

Kris* spoke up, “Are you there?”

I caught my breath and took a deep swallow, “What do you mean exactly?”

Kris’s* voice sounded strange and confused, “I thought you knew that your mother is dying?”

“Kris, we were told yesterday that mom had a week to 10 days.”

“Her doctor has just examined her. He used to be a hospice doctor.  He claims she has 48 hours or less.  We have no idea if she will even make it through the night.”

“May I come and stay with her through the night?”

“Of course, you are welcome to stay as long as you want. Our doors may be locked when you get here, but just call this number and someone will let you in.”

“I am leaving immediately;  I will be right over.”

When I hung up the phone, Ron had dinner ready.  “Honey, Kris*, mom’s nurse just told me that mom is actively dying.  She may not live through tonight.”

Ron coaxed me to eat a few bites prior to leaving; however when I tried to eat I wasn’t hungry any longer. 

“Honey, my stomach is too upset to eat.  Please let me go and spend mom’s last days with her.”  Ron asked if I wanted him to join me.  I said no that I would contact my brothers on my way.  Ron asked me to keep him updated.

I was of course breaking a promise to Ron as I was driving and crying. I drove carefully but called both of my brothers.  I first contacted Jamie who was there just a few hours earlier.  I am sure Jamie found my comments hard to believe that mom’s condition had changed so much that she could die this evening.  I said I was telling him what Kris* told me.  I would certainly contact him when I was in mom’s company to give him an update of mom.

Next I contacted Jerome, Debbie answered the phone.  Through my tears I shared my conversation with mom’s nurse and the doctor’s comments with her.  She said she would let Jerome know.  I also mentioned that I was by myself and planning to stay there.

When I pulled up to The Community*, there was no problem with finding parking at this time of night.  When I went to the door, someone saw me and let me in.  The reception area was closed and a sliding wall was down over the area.  The person who let me in disappeared.  The first floor seemed empty everywhere I looked.  Some of the lights were off as they have minimal lights on during off hours.

 

I raced up to mom’s room.  Mom looked exhausted.  Her breath intakes and exhales were labored, irregular, and raggedy.  She was extremely restless.  She had so much congestion that they now had even a suction machine ready for her as she needed help.  Kris* was in the room working with mom suctioning her.  She had just put another Scopolamine patch on her.

No sooner I was talking to the nurse when Jerome walked in.  I was so happy to see him.  He asked what happened to make things change so rapidly.  Kris answered, “No one knows.”

 I asked if mom’s doctor was still there.  She informed me that he was at the nurses’ station.  I left to talk to him.

“Mom and I had wonderful day on Friday.  She ate a whole double cheeseburger.  Do you know what happened to my mom over night on Friday or Saturday morning to her present state?” 

“I am just making an educated guess, but I believe she had one of three things: a stroke, a pulmonary embolism or a cardiac problem.

“How did you find her initially?” Mom’s doctor questioned.

“She was completely in coherent; her face was distorted; her left side seemed to be immobile; her eyes would not open”

“My first guess would be a stroke by what you are telling me.  Your mom’s stages of death are moving rapidly.  Would you like me to go see her again and I will talk to you about her there?”  “Yes, please.”

After seeing mom again, the doctor said, “I have instructed the nurse to put the Scopolamine patches on her to help with that sound you hear which is called a death-rattle due to excessive secretions which create loud, gurling inhalations and exhalations. I will instruct the nurse to put on two more patches which will make four.  This will be easier on your mom and your family. When you see she is restless or making faces, your mom is telling us she is in pain. Let the nurse know, we can give her with more morphine to make her more comfortable.   ”

I assured the doctor that we would.

I texted Jamie that mom is much worse than I could ever have imagined. I also let him know that Jerome was there with me.

Jerome and I held mom’s hands and spoke softly to her.  We both expressed our love. We talked about all sorts of things.   

I continually squeezed her hand, but I could feel the change in her hands from earlier that day. They were a bluish/purplish color.  I knew that her death was eminent.  I commented, “I do not think mom will survive tonight.”

Jerome said, “What makes you think so?”

“She is going through a stage that dad went through at the end.  She seems to be between two worlds.  I believe she is trying to leave this one.  ”

Mom continued to make faces.  Secretions through the nose and mouth were happening more frequently.  I texted Jamie once more: Mom’s in pain we keep giving her more morphine.  Just then the phone rang, Jamie spoke, “I am leaving.  I am on my way.”

I was so relieved and thankful that he would be here soon. “Drive careful!” I insisted.

During the next half hour we almost lost mom, she seemed to be getting worse by the minute.  “Mom, don’t leave us yet.  Jamie is on the way.  I know you want him to be here to say goodbye.  Please wait for him.”

Mom’s body trembled like she understood and knowing mom if she could have asked for more time from God to be with all her children before she died I know mom sent the request immediately because she seemed to settle down and her dying process seemed to slow down after she knew Jamie was on the way.

When Jamie walked in, I gave up my chair for him and sat on the bed again with my hands rubbing mom’s legs.  Jamie had a chance to be with her for a good period of time.  Mom’s hands started getting cold.  The nurse said she had called hospice and that someone would be coming over.  The nurse told us to let her know if we or mom needed anything.  I just knew that there was not anything else she could do for mom.  Both she and the doctor had done everything humanly possible. 

“Mom, you are in God’s hands.  I can feel Him coming for you.  I think your prayers are being answered   It is OK to leave us now. We will all make you proud of us.   Walk towards the Light mom.  I am sure dad and your mother and father will be there.    We love you so very much. 

Both Jamie and Jerome were saying, “Mom, you did good.   We’re letting you go.”

I said, “She is leaving us right now.  I can feel her leaving.”

We all chimed in, “Goodbye mom, we love you.”

Jerome said, “How can you tell?”

“She’s shaking and her body is giving up.”  With that mom opened her eyes for the first time that night so wide and then shut them fast and she was gone.

“Mom is gone.”I proclaimed.

“But her eyes just opened.”

“She has definitely passed. Mom is gone.  Feel her face. Check her pulse.  I know what death looks and feels like.”

They did.  Indeed, mom was gone.

We all kept talking with mom as if she was still there. We told her we will miss her.  We talked about how at peace she must be now.  No more sickness.  No more trouble breathing just a future life in heaven with her family and friends.

As the nurse walked into the room she was unaware of what had recently transpired she said, “Does your mom need anything?”

“Mom died awhile ago.  We are just sitting here loving her and talking to her.”

I think Kris was shocked that we did not panic, run out and call her.  The truth is that we faced death before when dad died and we did not want to leave mom’s side for anything. We were all holding her and talking to her,  Mom would not have wanted the nurse trying to tell us stage by stage what was happening.  We knew.   The 'Joys of Her Life' (as mom called us) were helping her through the most important stage of her life.

We all called our spouses and told them of mom’s passing.  When I spoke to Ron, he said our dogs knew mom had passed. Baci and Porsha who are now 11 years old were upstairs in the bedroom with him.  They are normally exhausted at this time of day and sleeping.  However at 10:15pm they started barking and howling like something was wrong.  Ron tried to settle them down.  The dogs kept wandering around like something or someone else was there.  They kept up so he snapped their photo and sent their photo to me to say look what our pups are doing.   Ron told me to look at the time he texted the photo to me. Sure enough the time was shortly after mom had passed.  Maybe she stopped by my house on her way out to say Goodbye to them.  Maybe dogs just have a sense about these things. Either way I find the whole ordeal  intriguing and in a way even this small act comforts me.

 

Ron said, “I will be right there.  I do not want you driving home by yourself.”  There was no need to disagree with him or try to persuade Ron not to come.  I knew Ron would be there.

My brothers and I stayed with mom for a few hours until the funeral home came for her body.  During that time we sat around mom's bedside discussing her wake and funeral.

Before we left mom, I put my head on mom’s chest and wept.  “I am so going to miss you mom.  I have spent so much time with you caring for you and loving you that I cannot imagine my life without you.  Mom, I am so happy we truly had a chance to love each other.  I am going to especially miss our walks to the pond together.  I will still go there looking for you.  I hope you will meet me there.    My heart's breaking, mom, I miss you already.”

Back in November I reminded mom about how dad passed on Christmas Eve.  Due to mom’s stage of dementia, she had forgotten the story of dad’s passing 24 years ago.  After I finished telling her his story she said, “How beautiful!  I want my children surrounding me, too.”

And that’s exactly what mom received.  Mom received the best gift ever that night. 

“Thank you, Jesus.”

 

Our Last Kiss

 

On Saturday morning I had woken up early to wash both of our Baci and Porsha, while Ron rested in bed with ice packs on his knee from overexerting himself. The night before Ron did an enormous amount of walking while attending a special wedding at the Botanical Gardens. Ron had even persuaded me to dance a slow dance with him even though his total knee replacement surgery was only three weeks previous.  Clearly dancing was much more than his knee was ready for.  Yet Ron says he would never miss an opportunity to dance with his bride and after 34 years, I am thankful for his romantic side.

When I finished washing Baci I had brought him back to our bedroom to blow dry him and watch a little TV at the same time.  The phone rang as I just started drying Baci. Our TV displays the name of the person or company who is calling on the bottom of our television.  Although I heard the phone ring, I did not look up to see who was calling, Ron happened to see the name and shouted, “The Community*, Julienne.”  Although I normally do not answer the phone while trying to hold a wet dog, I made an exception and carried Baci to the phone and held him while I answered.

The Community* has called me many times in the past to let me know if there is even a slight change or event regarding mom’s care or state of being. I always take their call no matter what I am in the middle of.  Even when I am on vacation, I want to know every detail about mom. The Community* has respected my wishes throughout mom’s stay with them. I normally take a sigh of relief after speaking with them only to find out that there is nothing seriously wrong with mom.  They will call even with a change in her appetite. Nevertheless, each time they call, I pick up the phone with a sense of urgency.

In the past, they have always reassured me that mom was fine, but this call was unlike the others. I was expecting or hoping the call to be something simple like a change in mom’s medicine or a slight temperature, or a slight change in medical condition.

When I answered, the soft voice with accent said, “Julie . . .Ann, your mom is doing bad, very bad.”

Alarmed and confused I said, “What do you mean bad?”

“We’re not sure.  She did not wake up this morning.  She is on oxygen and she cannot open her eyes or talk.”

“I don’t understand.  What happened?  I was just with her yesterday for lunch.”

“Julie . . Ann, I’m sorry you know this was going to happen someday.”

“Yes, I knew eventually, but she was doing so well yesterday. She was fine.  She was eating a double cheeseburger with me.  We went for a walk.”  I soon realized I was babbling on.  Whatever I experienced yesterday with mom did not matter.  Mom was sick very sick.

“Your mom could be like this for a long time”, Billy* commented.

“I will be over very soon, Billy*.  I am right in the middle of washing my dogs.  Thank you for calling me!”

Ron listening to my side of the conversation said, “What happened to mom?”

“I don’t know, honey, mom never woke up today.  She’s on oxygen, but even with the oxygen she is still having a hard time breathing.  I am going to finish the puppies, wash up and go see mom!”

“I will come with you”.

“Honey, your leg is swollen.  Stay home and take care of your knee!”

“I’m coming.  I’ll be OK.  I’ve got to see mom!”

“Ok, let’s get ready to go!”

About ten minutes later, the phone rang.  I saw by his photo the call was from Jamie. I wondered if I should alarm him before I had a chance to see mom for myself.  “Hello, Jamie?”

“Julienne, mom is doing very badly.”  I could hear the fear and sadness in his voice.

“Did they call you?”

“No, I stopped by to visit mom this morning.  I’m here with her right now.”

“They called me a few minutes ago, Jamie.  I am on my way.”

“I’m so glad.”

“I’ll see you soon. Can you call Jerome and tell him exactly what you are seeing with mom?”

“Yes.”

When Ron and I walked into mom’s room Jamie was sitting to the right on mom’s left side where there was a chair and clearly a little more room. Jamie said, “Mom has not responded at all. I called Jerome. He is in Wisconsin with cousins playing golf.”

“Thanks for calling Jerome.  I am so glad you let him know.”

Mom’s eyes were closed, her mouth was open and her breathing was labored.  She was unaware of her surroundings and motionless.

I sat on mom’s bed next to her right side. I gently picked up and held her limp hand.

“Mom, it’s Julienne.  I kissed her cheeks, “Hey, beautiful lady, I love you. What happened, mom?  We were just eating double cheeseburgers yesterday.”  I stroked her hair gently. Mom’s head moved; she tried to open her eyes with all her strength. Her right eye opened wide her left eye slightly opened and then snapped shut. She miraculously lifted her head towards me for a kiss.  She wrapped her left hand around my right arm for a hug.  Mom mumbled, “I love you so much.” 

I hugged mom till her body went limp.  “Oh, mom, I love you so much, too.  Thank you for hugging and kissing me.”

“Oh my God, Julienne, she has made no attempt at any response until she heard your voice,” Jamie said.

Mom was definitely happy to see me. And I could feel her love with every ounce of my body.   I kept holding her hand and talking with her. 

At one point during the next hour mom looked at me, squeezed my hand, and said, “C’mon!!!”

“Mom, I know you want to be at peace.  God is coming for you.  I am sure your prayer is being answered soon.”

“Be patient, mom, we can’t rush God,” Jamie said.

Mom faded back into her trance like state. She was breathing with increased effort on her part.

As I started to get up off the bed, I mentioned that I was going to go and speak with Billy*, mom’s nurse, to see what we can do and what we should expect.  I suggested to Jamie that he sit where I was sitting since mom’s body is leaning that way.    I thought that mom may have had a stroke due to her left eye not being able to open wide, her body leaning towards her right side and her face was distorted.

Jamie immediately moved into my previous spot holding mom’s right hand.

Before I left the room Ron said, “You set your phone on the bed when you walked in.  I picked up your phone and took a photo of you and mom when she asked you for a kiss.  I think you are going to treasure this photo forever.”

I immediately picked up my phone and looked at the photo of mom and me.  Then I looked back at mom’s present state.  Seemed so hard to believe she woke up, kissed and hugged me and now was back in a trance. Nevertheless I will forever have this lovely photo of our last kiss which will only become more precious to me with time.

With my phone in hand, I walked down to see Billy* and show her that mom woke up to kiss and hug me and tell me that she loved me.  Billy* smiled a sad smile knowing that there were not many more of those coming my way if any.  She informed me that this was the beginning of mom’s end.  “Everyone is different, but we believe she has a week to ten days left.  I have called hospice.  I am so sorry, Julie  . . .  Ann.”

“Does mom need pain medication?”

“Yes, I have ordered her morphine.  There will be no more medication given to her except Antivan which we will order in liquid form.”

“I understand. Please keep my mom as comfortable as possible.”

“We will.”

When I walked back in the room, Ron announced, “You just missed it.  Mom grabbed Jamie and pulled him towards her to give him a kiss.  You took your phone or I would have snapped the photo for him.” 

I was so happy Jamie had moved to her better side so even in her present trance like state she could somewhat see him and know he was there.  Jamie was still holding mom’s hand.  I sat on the other side of her bed continuing to talk to mom about our wonderful day yesterday.  I also told her about the wedding Ron and I had attended the night before describing the beautiful scenery, their delicious food, entertainment, and the gorgeous flower centerpieces they had.  I spoke with her like I normally would. 

Around 2pm Ron suggested that he would go out and bring in some lunch for the three of us.  While he was gone, Billy* came back in mom’s room and gave her Antivan. “You both are in for a very long week.  You might go and get some rest for tomorrow.” With that note, Billy* left. 

The longer Jamie and I sat with mom, the more peaceful she became.  Her breath was still labored, but she looked more comfortable as though she was in a deep restful sleep.

My conversation with mom became more serious, “Mom, you are beginning your journey to heaven.  God is preparing a place for you.  We know this makes you happy.  You seem to be very peaceful right now. We will let you rest for now.”

We both kissed mom and went to the Garden Room to meet up with Ron and eat lunch.  After we talked and finished lunch we decided to let mom rest and go home for today unless we received a call to come back which seemed unlikely per our recent discussion with mom’s nurse.

A few hours later Jerome texted me that he and Debbie were sitting with mom, his note was, “no change. Mom is still unresponsive and in a deep sleep.”  I was comforted that they were there and thankful for Jerome’s text.

I went to bed early that night praying and crying myself to sleep.  My prayers were that “God bless mom with a gentle and beautiful passing as she had so wished for.”  My tears were selfish.  They were about me already feeling the loss of our hugs, walks, and conversations.  I prayed that God would bless both mom and me to be together during her last breaths.  I slept lightly anticipating a possible phone call.

 

A Month Flew By

 

Time flies whether you are having fun or not.   Some say that happens when you reach a certain age.  God knows I am that age.   

I find the fact that mom has been passed over a month hard to fathom.  My life is way different.  Yet I seem to be constantly busy.  My mind is never quiet.   Not a day or should I say an hour goes by without a reminder of my time with mom.  What I would call our ‘precious time’.

I started trying to write the last two days of mom’s life.  Let me rephrase that ‘I started to write about the moment I received the first distressed call about mom’s impending death.’  I somehow started writing several times and never finished not because I did not remember, but because my tears and the ache in my heart kept me from writing about them.

Do not misunderstand:  Those days were beautiful. Those days were special.  Those days were just our last days together.

I have no regrets.  I would not do anything different.  I just point blank  .  .  .  miss her.  In the last 16 months, if I was not with mom, I was educating myself about her illnesses; talking with her medical team and hospice; writing about her or editing her photos or finding something to bring to her that she needed or would make her life better.   There were days I was even preparing for the inevitable by making photo books, poster boards of good times at both her supportive living facility and the rehab facility she has been living at for the past 16 months and working on a special video for mom.

 

This past month I have been going through many phases.  The two most noticeable to me and some of my friends and family have to do with cleanliness and the color purple.

Cleanliness as I have mentioned in the past was so important to mom.  She was a perfectionist.  Ever since I can remember when I feel anxious, I clean too.  My favorite things to clean our closets and drawers: mine, Ron’s, the pantry, the linen closet, our office closets. .  .  Closets!!!  Well I can attest that my closets are the cleanest they have been in ages.  Even my drawers are immaculate.  I feel when I am cleaning that I am making mom proud because she enjoyed cleaning so much.

Mom’s favorite color was purple. She loved all shades from lilac to deep dark purple.  Since she is gone I have been surprised at how magnetized I am to this color.  I am seeing a shade of purple almost everywhere I go. I have been drawn to buy items of this color because purple reminds me that mom is still with me.  The more I surround myself the more I feel mom’s presence.  I know mom is still with me with or without the purple and yet the color is of great comfort.

  A week before mom died, I needed to replace my cell phone cover, I was looking for the exact same cover I had in aqua which is one of my favorite colors.  I was so disappointed that the only color they still had was purple.  I purchased that phone cover and now know that I was supposed to have a purple one.  The phone was an important part of mom and my relationship.  Each and every time I was with her I took photos of mom and everything and everybody that surrounded her.  She did not know how to use my phone but she loved when I would take the photos and show them to her.  How appropriate that my phone will always remind me of her and our special time together.

During the first few weeks, when I passed by stores I felt the need to see to go in and check out their purple clothing. Then I noticed that I seemed to notice the purple flowers more than any other color flowers.  I know what I am doing I am searching for anything that reminds me of mom.  Sometimes just seeing the color makes me think mom had something to do with putting the color there.  To me I feel as though she is saying   “Julienne, I am OK.  I am Happy.  Thank you for letting me go.”

I know she is in a better place.  I know she is in heaven with Our Lord.  I know time with our loved ones is too be cherished every day because there are no guarantees in life.

I just miss her.